she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
