dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
