I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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