My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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