It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
