i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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