There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
