You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
