i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize