Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
