So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
