If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
