I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
