WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So many bounce houses so little time
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
