there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
