You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
