He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
