well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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