oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize