I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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