she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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