Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize