guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
