how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
