The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
now i know why i became what i already was.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
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