When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
