Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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