I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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