u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
