I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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