i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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