If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
