She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
