Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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