Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
