I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
