I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
