I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
