Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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