I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
