i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
