dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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