my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
