I think I won the penis lottery.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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