You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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