i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
