She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize