the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
