Taylor Swift is so right about you.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
