Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
