shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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