i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
