OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
