Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
