I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
did you just send me my own nude
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
