I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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