I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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