I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
