Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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