does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
