i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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