Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
