I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
